His and Hers

The arc of time that describes the year that leads up to, and into, those first few months in college is all about you.  Not you and me: you, The Graduate. 

If you want to survive that as a parent, you had better have achieved a fairly high level of competence in other aspects of life—particularly marriage and work. Our little 17-year-olds can be black-holes for attention—not because they want it, because they need it.  So much of our energy is focused on their success.  As I look back on this year, several analogies come to mind:

A Formula 1 pit crew

Mission Control at Cape Canaveral

The President’s Secret Service Detail

I count myself fortunate that Nolan, in fact his whole circle of friends, are a darn good bunch of kids.  But let’s face it, in order achieve lift-off they seem need a support team. They need advice, coaching, protection—sometimes they just need a new set of tires and some fuel in the tank.  And then, in a cloud of smoke, they are gone.

As I watch the F1 that is Nolan get up to speed, I wonder how the rest of the “crew” is faring.  In particular I am considering how our next F1 driver, Rayna, the one waiting in the wings, is experiencing this.

He is swerving and braking, shifting and accelerating as he works to gain control.  She is still on the kiddie track with big protective bumpers. But she is watching it all and taking it in.

When Shannon and I were first married, we took a winter trip to Florida.  We visited Cape Canaveral to see the space shuttle.   It was so impressive to see the shuttle sitting on the launch pad—there was a latent power you could just sense.  A few miles away, in an enormous hanger the other shuttle was being readied.  As the bus dodged armadillos on the road out of the compound, I thought about those two shuttles in juxtaposition.  It struck me how different it must be for the two crews—one in the frenetic throes of a launch, the other methodically inspecting, repairing and preparing.  Life is like that, part of your focus on performing, part on preparing.  His and hers.

The trick for me is to watch and enjoy his race and not lose sight of her long preparation to get behind the wheel of her own life.

Boohoo to Woohoo

Since I began writing my thoughts about the journey to empty nest-hood, I have talked with colleagues and friends who have all said they have or are experiencing similar emotions of loss.  It is an interesting phenomenon. Oh, they’re happy that their kids are embarking on this new, wonderful life experience; but they are also burdened with intense sadness—they use the word grief.  ‘scuse me?  I hadn’t heard people associate grief with this happy event before.    Did I suddenly tap into peoples’ emotions?  Have I given them permission to show their grief as I mopped through my day? 

Grief is a pretty strong word.  It carries an unambiguous meaning, and people don’t typically misuse it.  So I am wondering what it is we grieve.  Our kids aren’t dead—the texts and Skype calls can bear witness to that.  So why the long faces?  

When Nolan was just two or three years old we lived in the Sierra foothills in California.  It was five of us back then too, me, Shannon, Nolan and two boxer dogs.   We had the dogs first, thinking, since neither puppies nor kids come with an owner’s manual, if we could manage to not ruin the dogs, maybe we could chance a kid.

One warm summer evening about 15 years ago, life as we enjoyed it came to a sudden halt.  I’ll spare the grisly details; but our older dog, Banner, had to be euthanized.  Banner was not old; he was barely four years old.  He was fun loving, but he was the serious one.  He was the “achiever.”  He was the classic, first child, and that night Shannon and I made a gut wrenching decision to end the life of our “first son”.  All the talk about being humane, while true in my logical mind, was little consolation to my suddenly shocked and torn heart.

We were devastated.  Not like, “wow, that was sad.”  We had lost a child.  After a week, we sought grief counseling with our, then, pastor. She helped us to understand the emotion of grief and how it is so different than just being sad.  She helped us comprehend that when you love someone deeply, a child or a dog, their loss leaves the same big hole. She showed us that a big part of what we grieved was not the loss of companionship, but the loss of what could have been; of “unfinished business.”

We are now a little over a week into college.  Nolan has survived through a weekend.   I’m pretty well past the Bohoo, but I’m not quite to Wohoo either. 

I think I am beginning to grasp why the act of walking away from the dorm that first Sunday was so damned hard.  The son I created in my mind died.  The one in my mind and the real Nolan bore close resemblance, but they are not the same.  Nolan, the person, continues—he was and is.  The one in my mind was not ageless, but timeless.   I would always have another day with him—enough time to do the “bucket list” that all parents have before their kids are all grown up.  That day, that Nolan ceased to exist. 

The hay was in the barn, as we used to say.  What I didn’t get to do—or do enough of—with him as a boy is done.  Sure there are hikes and fishing trips, and vacations and movies and myriad other things that we will still do.  But he will do those with me as a young man.  The terms of the deal have a nuanced, but palpable difference, easier felt than explained. 

In this moment, my image of Nolan is blurred.  Just a fraction out of focus is the other Nolan.  Each day that Nolan gets a little more out of focus—a little left behind.  I see the real Nolan in clear relief and in a new and impressive light.  I like what I see... I love what I see.  I grieve for the Nolan of my mind; I will regret those things in my bucket list I didn’t do with that Nolan. But now I think I understand why the word grief came so easily from my mouth that Sunday afternoon.  And with that, I think I can a hear tiny little "wohoo."

Jealousy

I’m jealous.  Ever since we took the campus tour last spring, I’ve had a bit of jealousy for Nolan. And it isn’t just his 37” flat screen HD, 1083MGP Visio TV.  Unloading his stuff nearly a week ago and then watching him adjust to his new life has taken my feelings from “gosh that would be fun” to full fledged jealousy.  Whoever said youth is wasted on the young must have had a kid in college.

Last spring, Nolan’s future campus was at its peak of beauty. More than just an aesthetic though, the school had so much to offer a student—a student center with a climbing wall and gym facilitates that an NFL club would envy.  His cafeteria dining area has a water-view that would make Bill and Melinda Gates gasp and wish they had not been so rash to buy that little place on Lake Washington. Oh yeah, there are academic pursuits too.

But even that isn’t what I find myself jealous of.  By the standards of the ‘80s, I had a decent campus and pretty cool activities.  The central Sierras and Shaver Lake was a short drive away.  There was a pub/grill across from the student union.  There wasn’t a long wait for computer time.  The library was big—at least it was the time I was there. 

Ok, so maybe I can be a little jealous of the amenities.  But, in my time, I did spent a lot of time in the air conditioned cabs of the newest farm tractors on the market, so there.

Technology is something to be envious of.  Cell phones, laptops, webcams, WiFi.  And the tools to use them—Skype, blogs, IM, texting—the internet.  None of these things even existed when I was in college.  The tools kids have to communicate with their professors, prepare for class and complete their homework is a huge advantage.  It has to speed the process of knowledge accumulation---that is, after all, one of the key reasons for the transfer of large sums of money to the University Bank.  I benefit from this technology largess, though—it is so much easier to stay in contact, to check in and see how they are doing.  If you’re a helicopter parent you are in business—no need for your kid to blow their nose without a conference call and a risk assessment. 

So maybe technology is a push on the jealousy scale.

In the week since we dropped Nolan off, I’ve been reminded time and again of his vitality and growing awareness of his transition from youth to adult.   Nothing allows you time and opportunity to develop into an adult like college.  Adulthood comes whether you want it or not—but the way college develops your world view and life outlook just can’t be matched. And you really can’t appreciate that in the first person, as it happens—it really hits you when you’re watching your kid experience it.

 I think that’s what I am most jealous of:  the realization that I am no longer young.  I know that if Nolan and I could trade places I could squeeze more out of college the second time around, and certainly more than him.  But let’s not get competitive.  I know what I missed and what I’d do differently. But that isn’t going to happen, there is no “do over”.  So I try to give him some insights; advice when it seems right.  I learned coaching youth soccer that it is way more difficult to teach it than to do it.  

I am jealous. I am not yet ready to live vicariously. I have to remember what is “his life” and what is “mine.”  Maybe that way I can be less jealous.  Maybe I can apply what I learned coaching Rayna in soccer, that it can be just as sweet to re-experience life through someone else’s.   I don’t know if I can be so adult about the flat-screen TV though.

Lalalalalalala

I read somewhere that it helps to seek out others who are going through the same experiences you are.  Seems like everyone I know under the age of 60 has a kid who left for college, so there’s no shortage of opportunities for shared experiences lately.  I just can’t figure out if these shared experiences are supposed to give us strength or rob us of the one defense we have—ignorance of what’s really going on.

About a year ago, little Vashon Island was thrust into a wrenching community discussion on grinding.  Depending on your age and world-view, grinding is a vulgar and provocative or creative and innocuous dance where teenage butts and groins meet.  That was nothing.  Less than a week into this journey and I’m hearing about some experiences I’d rather not “share.”  Experiences that involve sex, tattoos, binges, and pepper spray.   Pepper spray?  I never thought I’d equate the freshman semester with bear season.  Let’s bring back the grinding, huh?

Shannon and I tried to prepare Nolan for the different universe that is college.  We focused on the usual: professors, study habits, career counseling, life balance, and finances.  How do you prepare them for more practical things, like the meaning of a sock on the dorm-room door knob?  Or why you never leave a beverage unattended at a party and then resume drinking it.    

Though my parents lived through a period in history where grade school was a distant priority, second to family survival and high school an extravagant luxury, I heard plenty of stories that could have come from the scripts of Animal House.  I’m no prude.  I did my fair share of bizarre, irresponsible and, frankly, dangerous things during college.  I also found a direction for my life career (unfortunately it had nothing whatsoever to do with my major), and met my lover and life partner (fortunately, she exercises better judgment).  So I conclude two things: college is not the culprit and it is survivable.

But, how do we as a species acquire the knowledge to escape the most serious consequences? Are there some long-dormant genetics at work that allow us to experience close brushes and survive?  Is there some vestigial cave-man instinct that says “it’s OK to eat a little of that, but not too much”?

As I listen to the experience of others and recall my own, I ponder: Did we do enough in raising Nolan to prepare him for this gauntlet of stimulations, temptations and dangers? 

Probably not.  We couldn’t have, maybe shouldn’t have.  Like me, Nolan was always an experiential learner; he had to see for himself. 

“Nolan that’s hot, don’t touch."

Nolan, don’t touch.”

sssssss.

“Oowwww”.  

“I told you not to touch.”  

It was a scenario that repeated itself endlessly.   Maybe Nolan’s life approach to learning will keep him out of harm’s way.  Maybe those experiences are what awaken the cave-man gene.  If not, well maybe he’ll get a good education with a few classes in the school of hard knocks, too.

I just know that some morning in the future I’ll be sitting on the ferry and checking my email.  I’ll see one of Nolan's emails or facebook posts from late the night before; it will be a Facebook post about a “sock on the door knob”.  I’ll just have to put my fingers in my ears, say lalalalalalala and hope for the best.  Because, I can’t always be there to tell him, “don’t touch that" anymore.

The Dump and Run

Humor is always a good antidote to stress and anxiety.

As we got closer to college move-in day we teased Nolan that we’d use the dump and run technique—slow that car to a reasonable speed and let him hop out and we could toss out the bags.  It is a two hour drive home after all.  The best part of good humor is the little streak of reality in it. 

On orientation day, back in August, we drove up to the bright-faced student greeters for directions. 

“You can let everyone out right here and then you can park over there,” she said in a question.

“Uh, can we just dump him out here?” I said.

“Um, sure I guess so”, she crinkled her nose.

We looked at Nolan, “Ok, see you Sunday, kiddo”.  He was out of the car and walking toward the registration desk for perhaps the scariest two days since going to Camp Woskowitz in sixth-grade.   But we were off to hike in the woods and get used to being a family of three.  The Dump and Run, perfected.

One might think me rather heartless.  If I said we pulled over a few yards out of sight and sent four rapid-fire texts:  “we miss you”, “have a great time”, “did you get your jammies?”, “call us if you can’t sleep”, I’d probably confirm your suspicion.  But we taught him to be independent, to dive in the deep end and embrace the new and unknown.

My college move –in day was like no other.  I went to Fresno State; an agricultural education major.  I was the first in my family—on either side—to go to college.  I had to pay my way.  I didn’t move into the dorms.  Nope.  I had a sweet deal—a job and a room all in one:  I worked at the school farm.  To be precise, I worked and lived at the sheep unit.  The barns were built to have a little student apartment on one corner.  Free rent and a little pay for 24/7 labor.  

My mom and dad waved from their front porch as I drove my ’70 El Camino out the front gate and headed to Fresno in August 1981.  I had a few pair of jeans, some tee shirts, a denim coat and two pair of cowboy boots in the front seat.  My sheep-shearing gear filled in the back so I could make a little money on the side.   Man, were my parents proud of me; but they didn’t have a clue about how to act or what to do.  They visited one time.  I am not ashamed to admit (too late now) that I cried a few tears of loneliness and uncertainty on that first 3-hour drive to Fresno.  That was the Dump and Run 1.0.  It helped me to be independent, to dive in the deep end.

When we arrived last Sunday for the start of the school year, the student greeter with the orange “Ask Me!” tee shirt directed Nolan to the registration desk for his keys and us to a location designated for unloading.  We helped him unpack and re-bunk the beds for more room.  We unrolled a length of carpet to warm and quite the room.  We hauled in his 37” flat screen TV—yes, his own money.  Soon, there was nothing left to do, but say our first good-bye, there was no dump and run this time.  More like a lug & hug.

Last night, Nolan texted us to get on Skype, he needed to tell us about his day.  He looked good; better in fact than he had a few days before.  He had done a Top Gear-style test to see how long it would take him to get to the Amtrak/bus station and back using only his new transit pass.  He had invited some new friends over to watch TV and they brought apple pie.  He signed up for the Human Powered Submarine club.   He played with some goofy feature of his new webcam that made his eyes bulge or little “?” float over his head on our screen.  Independence.  Deep end.  New and unknown.  With humor.

No matter how well meaning, no matter how successful they are at raising us; we hope to do just a little bit better than our parents.  We hope to keep the good stuff and jettison things that aren’t.  I hope we got it right.

Puzzle Pieces

The night we got home from dropping Nolan off at school, I was packing my bike pannier for work in the morning.  My iPhone rang its zen bell indicating I received a text message.  It's Him! I reached for my phone so fast I skinned my knuckles on the alarm clock and scared the cat half out of his wits .  Tap, tap, tap, tap--in went my security code.  It wasn't Nolan, it was Rayna.

"Dad, are you there? I'm sad,"  she texted from the living room 30 feet away.
"yeah, punkin, I'm here, what's wrong" I typed back.
"I'm missing a puzzle piece."
"From which puzzle?," I typed back, thinking my puzzle-loving daughter had moved on rather quickly.
"I have a five piece puzzle, I'm missing one piece and I can't find it," she finished.

She counts our pug, Porter, as 1/5 of the family and Nolan was our lost puzzle piece.  Rayna was on to a good metaphor.

We are a tight-knit family. We have done everything together--we once spent a week in the pouring rain, in the cabin of our 34-foot sail boat and had a ball. At least that's how I remember it now. That's pretty tight knitting and there is a strength in that, that you begin to rely on.  We four, or five if you count Porter, fit comfortably together.  But what happens when one puzzle piece gets pulled out?

Doctors say you often see familiar things that have changed as they were, not as they are.  You brain plays a trick on itself and sees what is not there.  That can be a handy thing in matters of the heart. The trick of a family member leaving--to go to college or moving for a job--is that you feel what is missing.  The hug, the voice, the footsteps upstairs are all missing. Not gone, just not here.  They feel like missing puzzle pieces.

I always thought that the strength of our tight family would be a comfort when a puzzle piece went missing.  After all, Nolan began the slow drift away that all teenagers must after getting his driver's license and the independence that little card brings.  We had survived that just fine, once we worked out the laws of physics regarding perpetually empty gas tanks.

But, I find I am unprepared for the strength of the emotions I am feeling with Nolan going to college. Sure, it is still very fresh, but they are so intense. As much as I mentally prepared to have Nolan leave the house and head to college, it doesn't seem enough.  For months, Shannon and I joked about the little things he did, the little gnaw-marks on the threads that held us together that would make it easier to say "see you at Thanksgiving!" Those little reminders of a good good-bye are absent now.

How is it that other parents I know send their kid off without a second thought?  When you ask how they managed, they sigh in relief and roll their eyes as if they have just edged past the "Free Windows Giveaway" salesperson at Home Depot without divulging their email address. Wohoo! pack the bags, honey, we're going to Cabo!

I am so not there. 

Well, we are not a card board puzzle, complete only in multiples of 250.  We are a dynamic family capable of spreading out and filling in, adapting to change. Nolan is a short drive away and between Facebook, email text, phone and Skype, we ought to be able to get pretty close to the "feel" of him being home. My brain says the puzzle piece is not missing, it's out becoming a better piece.  And it really is right here with us, as strong a piece of our family puzzle as ever before.  My heart however, like Rayna's, is playing tricks with my head.

Parents, kids, college and growing up

Well.  That was about as tough a thing as I'll ever do. 

Yesterday we dropped our son, Nolan, off at college.  I have been dreading it for awhile.  I'll admit it--I get all emotional and sentimental at stuff like this.  Just ask my wife, Shannon, what it's like to watch a movie like My Sister's Keeper with me--it's embarrassing really. 

So it was a long ride home for me.  I imagine is was tough for Shannon and our daughter Rayna, too, listening to me whimper, sniffle and sob as I drive 70 miles an hour down the freeway through tear filled eyes. Then I got home-- sheesh open the flood gates. He's everywhere--the unfinished go cart, pile of shoes near the door--and no where.   My brain is telling me to get a grip, but my heart just wants to cling to other things.

He is, after all, not dead just starting college.  Clearly my brain and my heart need to find some balance; some common ground.  If for no other reason than I don't run out of business meetings crying like a baby because I got a text from him.

So this blog is born.  One Down, One to Go.  It may sound like the joyous anthem of an empty-nester.  Nope. I intend to allow this to become a sometime humorous, sometimes wondrous, sometimes sad battleground for my head and heart to work things out. I don't know how long that will take:  30 days, six months or five years. I've learned that personal struggles are day-at-a-time affairs. So one day down, one to go.

One Down, One to Go will also be about Nolan and Rayna.  Moving from one life stage to another is tough, but I can't wait to see how they do it. Nolan finishing High School and entering college.  Rayna finishing 8th grade and entering High School.  And in five years, we will repeat something like this with her... oh jeez--maybe I'm not quite ready to go there yet. 

One Down, One to Go is also for me and Shannon. And anyone who reads this who has ever faced becoming an empty-nester---or who fears the day.  There is some real sadness in the separation that has to occur sometime in life, but isn't there happiness too?  Jeez I hope so.  I want to chronicle some of that in this journey for me and hopefully use that to find the common ground that my head and heart seek. 

Might also be good to help assuage Nolan's and Rayna's fear that maybe dad has really gone off the deep-end this time.